god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
youre lurking in front of me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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