He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
