How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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