the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
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