I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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