yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
