i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
