there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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