dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
