if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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