tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
