you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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