I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I love you. Go after that dick
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
