i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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