Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
