I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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