my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
