Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
