i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
