Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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