i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Boobs speak an international language.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
