a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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