Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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