I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
