Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
