take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
