Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
