So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
