He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
