Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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