if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
