yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
