Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize