Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
