I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
