Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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