I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
