one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
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