im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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