Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
