You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
