how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just google imaged poop.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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