We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
