Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
