If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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