Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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