My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my being single is dangerous.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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