I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Is Oprah even human
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
