Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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