just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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