I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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