Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Dear god my vagina.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
