i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
