ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
