Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
